A bit of a bad week

I hate the way life is not easily separated into neat portions that can be dealt with one at a time. Out of the blue I got a call from the dentist politely reminding me I hadn't been in four years, which I didn't mind, because the same week, I had developed a tooth ache and wanted to get it seen to. Two trips to see him, $1000, and a root canal later I've been told it'll only be two more trips and $1300 (a saving of $700 *apparently*) for a crown and we can go back to ignoring each other for another four years. 

On that note I returned home from the dentist to find a neighbour's dog had gotten into our yard and torn apart my daughter's favourite chicken ("I named her, Daddy, now she's dead.") and mortally wounded MY favourite chicken (Molly the Survivor's luck has finally run out), which I had to watch die of shock a short time later (silver lining, I got to cancel the vet visit which would have cost me big bucks for the same outcome). I know you might think they're only chickens, but they were pets, giving eggs and their own brand of affection. Anyway, all this is messy background info.

I have lost some weight recently. 13 kilos since the start of the year, with 10 of those being lost in the last 4ish months. No effort, no diet. When I thought about it last week I realised that it was weight loss in spite of an increased appetite and insatiable sugar cravings (think Ed from Men in Black). I also noticed that I have not been sleeping very well due to really broken nights rest. I put this down to the kids getting up for drinks/nightmares and the like, but every time I woke, it felt like my bladder was about to burst and I had to dash off to the loo. And I was thirsty. All. The. Time. In the middle of winter I noticed that I was drinking between 3 and 6 litres of fluids, but it was never enough. I woke up in the mornings so dehydrated that it has been hard to blink.

What I would have clearly spotted in a patient, I was unable to see the pattern in me. All these symptoms read like a check list of a health pamphlet: Diabetes. Yep, with a family history that's easier to list who doesn't have it, I realised a root canal and some dead chooks were the lease of my problems. I raced off and picked up a BGL monitor and checked my sugar level about 4 hours after eating: 19.1 (a little higher than a normal reading of between 4-8). Knowing that this may be a one off blip I have checked myself over the last few days and haven't had a reading below 11.

I have now seen a GP to get a 2 hour blood test to confirm what is almost certain. When I go back to the GP tomorrow, I will be told that I have diabetes (or pancreatic cancer, or some other terribly horrific ailment). I don't really know how I feel about this. Given my family history and my "fuller figure" there was always a possibility that I might be at risk, but I thought it was something to look forward to after I hit 40. I have a mixed bag of emotions about the whole thing with feelings like annoyance, guilt, frustration, shame, isolation, and feeling trapped. Above all, I don't like the feeling of being at the start of a journey I wasn't prepared for. 

I know I will be ok and that there is far worse happening to far better than me, but on R U OK? day and the eve of a GP appointment that I do not want to attend, in this instant, I'm not OK, but that's OK. I have such great and loving family, friends, and faith that I know I will be OK, but just for now, that's how I'm feeling.

Pity party over, now to invent a diet whisky.